{61/365} Not So Perfect After All

I was reading today, catching up on adoption news and blogs. I made it to one that I have read for a long time, from their application drop-off to their first fundraiser, from their referral through their agonizing wait to bring home their child from the foreign country they chose. I am being intentionally vague because their story is private and this could be any family with a child from any country; that is part of my point of this post: this could be any adoptive family.

Somehow, within days of meeting the child and bringing the child home, the family learned some of the child’s family history. This family history issue was new to the adoptive family. They had never been told this issue existed or could exist. Within days of arriving back on US soil, the family had relinquished their newly adopted child to the agency handling the adoption.

Ok, at first I wondered how the family was doing. Then I read the posts again and had to call Aaron to help me calm down. One thing she said just pushed me over the edge. When I thought about the whole situation, I was no longer concerned about the family. I became concerned about the child.

What about this baby who had been abandoned over and over again, either intentionally or unintentionally, for good or bad reasons? First by the birthmother, then by foster parents/orphanage workers, then by this family and possibly by another temporary family here in the US before this child finds his/her forever family. I know so many adoptive families who worry about abandonment/attachment issues and more than a few who deal with RAD (reactive attachment disorder) on a 24/7 basis. I know families whose children (both biological and adopted) have various issues they never expected. The parents may have said beforehand that they were not prepared to parent children with these special circumstances, but they did. And they do it quite well, I might add.

What did the family say that upset me? They said that the blessing the whole situation is that the child is in the US and will have an amazing life.

No matter where this child is from or from what type of circumstances this child came, the US is not always the best place for this child or any child for that matter. The best place for a child is in a loving home in her country of origin, preferably with her birth parent(s). Unfortunately, as we all know, that is not always possible. Therefore, after efforts to that effect have exhausted, the best option is a loving family anywhere in the world. Don’t we all deserve love?

But this child is in a new country, doesn’t understand the language, etc., and was brought here by a family who ultimately chose not to parent that child for whatever reason. There are many international adoptees who are now adults who do not have this child’s history who feel as if part of what makes them who they are was stolen due to the loss of their culture. We as adoptive parents of foreign-born children are encouraged to find ways to bring the culture of our child to the him for his whole life. For this specific child, if even for a short period of time without a loving forever family, the best place for the child is in a country and culture the child knows and understands that culture and is loving and supportive; there are orphanage situations that are neither of those. So I do not believe that this child was ripped from EVERYTHING he/she knew to be his/her whole life to be brought to a country where obviously some of us consider ourselves superior to be a blessing. Perhaps it will turn out to be one because God has the ability to do that, but I do not consider it an outright blessing.

The bigger issue I have is that this family obvious expected a perfect child. I want to know perfect is defined? Because if family history is part of what makes a child perfect, then I was never perfect. You could read my family’s medical history like War and Peace – they are about the same length when you combine my mom and dad’s sides. I hate filling out forms at the Dr’s office; everything from heart disease to cancer and back again are in my family history. Even a few mental illnesses. Yet for the most part, I am good!

Nobody knows what the future hold. I have a friend whose brother has severe autism. There is some evidence that autism is hereditary, yet she and her husband chose to have children. Neither of them have autism. Another friend’s husband has high functioning autism. They have two children – one has the same high functioning autism as the father. Don’t forget the unpredictable – childhood cancer, other forms of autism, gene mutations, etc… There are no guarantees in life, period. No one is guaranteed a child (biologically or through adoption), no one is guaranteed a healthy child, and even when the odds are against you, there is no guarantee that your family’s health history will come back to get you. Take my children, for example. One has a genetically inherited disorder and the other does not even carry the gene. Without a DNA test we would have never known this, but we do. They shared parents, they shared a womb, they share everything, yet each drew a different straw when it came to their medical history. We will educate them both in the same manner about their family history, but family history is just that: family history. We all have one.

What would happen to a child born to these parents as “imperfect?” There is no place to readily hand off that child, to say “Sorry, not what I asked for.” Chances are, even though the child is not what the family was expecting, they would find the strength to deal with the issues and move forward, experiencing the love that child would give them every day.

So because this child was not born to them, it is ok to hand that child over to someone else to parent? While I am sure that it was not their absolute first thought, it apparently came quickly. Within days of arriving back in the US, the child was relinquished.

I am not trying to hurt this family. They made their decision and most likely it is too late to change their minds now. However, I want to educate others before the process is even started. There are no perfect children. The best you can hope for is 10 fingers, 10 toes, everything in the right place, happy and healthy. But we should not love a child less who doesn’t have ten fingers or toes, extra or missing parts, or who is not “healthy.” Children need love and deserve a family. And maybe you will learn a thing or two along the way as well. I know I have.

Why this issue is so important to me:

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