Some Things Feel Like Pure Torture

Today I need to write this. Today I need to get things off my chest. Today even if no one reads I need to type out what is on my mind.

It was just days after Mother’s Day that Aaron and I learned we were pregnant, something we thought could never happen, it had not happened in the last 9 years and we had been not preventing it. We had convinced ourselves it would not and could not ever happen. I was ok but Aaron he was over the moon. I was not even home when we found out, I was on a girl’s trip and that was ok.

We spent the last few weeks living precariously on the edge, one moment excited and wanting to tell the world and the next worried and concerned that things “were not right” according to the Dr. We were just waiting until the point where the baby’s heartbeat would be visible on a trans-vaginal ultrasound for sure and certain to decide if the pregnancy was viable.

While I tried to be excited and happy it was VERY hard, I did my best to let no one know how messed up I felt on the inside. A 39 year old woman has a pretty high miscarriage rate in general, I am told because of how “old” our eggs are, I am not sure why.

Yesterday we learned that the baby that should not only have a heartbeat but many other features had none, and had stopped growing pretty much the same time we saw our first ultrasound. Thanks to some medicine that I was on I was still having a lot of pregnancy symptoms and so I assumed all is well. I was wrong and may have completely lost it in the ultrasound room at the Dr’s office.

I think I cried for well more than an hour before I stopped, and that may have happened when I did a straight shot of vodka, I needed something to calm my nerves. We had decisions that had to be made and I could not make them if I could not research my options. I posted a private status update to those who knew that we were pregnant and had been praying for us. Those friends are the best, a few even cried with me.  Aaron stayed home from work – and he was not doing so well either. Mostly we were just walking through the afternoon and evening – we even took the kids out for dinner because neither of us could figure out how to turn on the stove in our grief.

After we got the kids in bed we talked, laughed, cried and got mad. This whole process has felt a bit like torture to both of us. This morning I had to call to schedule the D&C through more tears, and when I called to tell Aaron he cried as well. It is real, this pregnancy is over. I am told that this not only means we can get pregnant but it can happen again, however in all my research so can miscarriage at my age, in September I will be 40.

Tomorrow I am back to the OBGyn office to sign paperwork for the D&C – an office I have yet to sit in and NOT see a pregnant woman or two. Father’s Day we were going to tell our families but that will not happen now either. The end of June we celebrate nine (9) years of marriage and we had hoped to use it starting to decide what needed to be done to welcome a new baby to our family. We never got the chance to tell our kids or throw a party that something we thought might not EVER happen, did.

According to my little calendar where I keep track of those female things I was pregnant for 66 days total. I think most of them were spent waiting to see what was going to happen and not celebrating what this pregnancy meant and enjoying it. Now I am told I should not talk about being pregnant or even that I miscarried this miracle baby. I am not sure why?

The way Aaron and I see it we lost a baby – we may not have met this child yet, no one may have but to us it was a child and now it feels like the only people who know and care are those absolutely closest to us (and those people have been amazing) but Aaron is not someone who cries and he was crying at work today, and I have all kinds of appointments and meetings in the next few weeks and really would like people to know if I break out in tears it is not them, it is me and my grief that happened to appear at that moment or that if I just don’t feel like attending that one time I need a little lead way to do so.

I was looking for ways to help my husband cope as I have never seen him like this and found this article titled Why Can’t We Talk About Miscarriage – other than a parent’s death (thank God that I didn’t have that one) I feel like this woman.

Thank you to all those who have called, texted and messaged words of support and offers for watching the kids, who at this point are still clueless. Thank you to those who read this because writing this was helpful for me. I am not sure where Aaron and I will go from here, but we really could use your prayers.

Because One Miracle Is Not Enough

There is only one thing that would get me blogging again, and that is if our family is growing again. Only our God would take Aaron and I’s plans and turn them upside down.

Last week I went on vacation with three VERY special girlfriends. We went to Florida and Alabama. It was one of those things I had been looking forward to for well over 6 months, heck almost 12 months. We were coming in from literally all over the world. We planned on some sun, some beach, some photography and well a ton of girl time!

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Everything started off well amazing! We were having a grand time but my body was well acting funny. By the time one of my favorite foods, fried pickles tasted funny the girls were all over me taking a pregnancy test and I well was not as on board, nine years of tests that never came back positive means a girl is not in the mood for a negative when she is on a girls trip but I thought maybe I should since we had plans to drink. I bought a box with two tests in it and at 3 pm on a Tuesday I took a pregnancy test – the first one where I may have actually prayed “please let it be negative so I can drink tonight.”

3 Minutes into the 5 minutes I should have waited I thought I could see two lines and texted one of my best friends from the bathroom, asking her what she saw. She freaked on me and by the time 5 minutes came around it was clear I was pregnant and would not be drinking that night or any night in the near future. I may have started crying uncontrollably and could not calm down.

By the time the girls realized I had been in the bathroom for something like 15 minutes and sent one of them to find me I was calmed down a bit and could be a bit more excited, but Aaron still had NO CLUE. I however started to realize all the crazy things happening to my body were thanks to being pregnant.

By the time I texted Aaron a picture of the pregnancy test to see if he knew what it was (he didn’t) I was not sure how he would take it. I called him and explained to him it was a pregnancy test and no it did not belong to one of the girls – it is MINE and yes it is positive. He was over the moon happy! He took it much better than me!

One of the girls took these AMAZING pictures that night:

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The next morning I took another test at 5 am and same result so I called to make an appointment with my OBGyn which was today.

I have never been so scared in my whole life. I had no idea what to expect and I knew I was NOT in control of this. But after an ultrasound where it was determined I was about 5 and a half weeks along and a few questions on my part I left feeling excited about this pregnancy for the first time well ever. I have some extra meds due to my “advance maternal age” which make me laugh – I would have NEVER guessed I would be pregnant at 39 and giving birth at 40 but it looks like 2015 is going to be one crazy year at the Hanings :)

The baby’s first picture:

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I think the only other time in my life I felt like this was the week between Little Man and Little Princess’ referral and when we said yes they are our children. Never in a million years would I expect to shout from the roof tops I am PREGNANT but I saw it with my own eyes today on the little screen and have been staring at the above picture since this afternoon!

In total I waited 22 months for the twins, I think I can handle 38 weeks total for this baby (pretty sure there is only one in there — THANK YOU GOD).

My God, He is a GREAT BIG God and His plans are much bigger than mine. All I can think is: For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

St. John ~ Day 2

Today because there would be 6 cruise ships docked at the port we decided it would be the best day to take the car ferry to St. John and visit a beach there! Little Princess was over the moon because we were headed to a beach, Little Man because it involved a boat ride!

(The dock at St. John….I LOVE this picture!!!)

They were up and ready long before we could leave haha! They played with as much patience as two 5 year olds (and one 6 year old and one 3 year old ) could muster! When we left they asked every two seconds if we were there yet. If it had not got so annoying so fast it would have been cute :) When we got to the ferry they were so exited to stand at the top and watch the cars load as well as see where the boat went.

(all 4 kids on the boat ride to St. John…)

(the cutest thing we saw all day….I love these girls!!!)

As soon as we landed in St. John, the questions started up again! Especially since we drove through the parking lot at Trunk Bay and then went on to Cinnamon Bay!! The views from the amazingly narrow roads (which PS they drive on the wrong side of the road here) was to die for seriously to die for, and the open air taxis were so funny! The locals I saw called them safari trucks, and that is what they look like.

(Cinnamon Bay)

The beach, OMG, white as white sand, blue as blue water and the view breath taking! I was not the only one who thought so, Little Princess who had sworn off the ocean saw that water and the sand and that was it she was IN LOVE and I do mean in LOVE. Her husband will have his work cut out for him as she will always love the ocean and the beach and he better be prepared to take her to as many as possible! She took one step in the ocean and all of her talk of sand castles for weeks went totally out the window, she only left that ocean when we pulled her out of it, seriously. Her exact words were “I don’t want to leave the ocean Mama.” I had to promise her we would go to the beach again tomorrow to get her out of the water.

(totally and completely unprompted)

Little Man was a different story, he was not a fan of the ocean at all. He had to be dragged into the ocean for the first time and then approached it again at his own pace. Once he and the ocean were ok with each other then he was all for it but it took them a bit! He eventually found the same love affair his sister did but it took him so much longer.

I loved watching them and their cousins LOVE the water and their time with each other! We then did a bit of shopping oh St. John and came back to St. Thomas where we had dinner and then all of the kids (and a few of the adults) headed to bed!

(lord only knows what she was explaining to her uncle here)

I have to say it has been fun watching my husband and his brother hang out like brothers! I swear I have never seen them act like this before and I love it :)

A Traveling We Will Go

 

( I wrote most of the posts while I had no internet or while waiting to do other things….I will post one a day until I post every day of vacation hehe!!!) I thought maybe I should blog this vacation! This might be just what I need to get back into blogging!

Seriously the last flight with Little Man and Little Princess gave me PTSD about flying with them ever again. When we agreed to go on this vacation with my husband’s brother, his wife and their kids, I knew there was no way to get to St. Thomas without a flight or two. So, I started talking to the kids every night about flying and what it was like to be on an airplane. The last thing I needed was a screaming little girl and a little boy who refused to sleep! We also didn’t need any food on the floor.

We made sure that both kids had their DSs and many games, new things to do and coloring materials. I loaded the laptop with movies and TV shows. We kept them up late and then got them up early (our flight was at 5:30 am. I tried to warn them about lines at the airport but every line until boarding we were bumped to the front because of them, so the worst part for them until boarding was keeping track of their carry on. They didn’t even have to remove their shoes for security! And Little Princess she even talked loud enough that the TSA agent could hear her when she was asked how old she was!!!! (PS I brought wayyyyyyyyyyy more paperwork than we needed, I had their certified birth certificates showing us as their parents, the adoption decree and their valid South Korean passports…the TSA agent looked at none, and I made sure that she did not need them. )

We ate McDonalds while we waited to board and then boarded! They were so excited that even during the no electronics portion of the flight they were very well behaved! As I type they have on their head phones and are playing their DSs ~ Angry Birds and Princess Dress Up or something like that.

While I we are not to St. Thomas yet I am amazed, this flight may actually mean we will get away more with them as I am going to have a good flight to remember! Maybe they will get to see Disney one day haha! Oh and their excitement over take off made it so that I forgot how nervous I get at take off so it was easy peasy for me as well!

(after arrival in St. Thomas)

Well we all slept through the second flight so when we woke up we could see the ocean out our windows! Once we touched down we saw this amazing island! Aaron’s brother and his family met us at the airport and we were able to get our luggage! Little Man asked when we would see Thomas, I said who and he said Thomas. I about died laughing as he had never said anything but he thought we were going somewhere to meet someone named Thomas. We had a short discussion about how the island was named St. Thomas and how that could be confusing haha!

They loved seeing their cousins, and the AMAZING view from the resort room! Little Princess would not let the beach thing go though, so we made some choices about the coming days!!! I am so excited!!!

Hope you enjoyed these pictures because there are so many more coming! (The last two were taken on our balcony…yes 7 days of this view and I may not leave haha!!!!)

Updates

I think maybe a small catch up post is necessary!

I didn’t realize it had been almost a year since my last posts. I am currently on a two hour car ride so I have some time to type things out on the iPad :)

I am just going to start with September this year! Little Man and Little Princess were back to preschool and so excited to go back to the same teacher and some of the same classmates. Little Princess was a little nervous as we found she has an astigmatism and so glasses were in order over the summer. Little Man was just ready to see all his friends again! All went well and both were doing so well at the start of school, we were so happy to see both enjoying school!

Little Princess is back to gymnastics and in t he big gym, she loves it for that reason! Little Man tried tae kwon do but he could not handle it very well and it was suggested we try again in January when he and Aaron can take the class at the same time, so he will be back in January!

In September, the whole family started Korean school, to say that they love Korean school is a massive understatement. They love school and look forward to it when they are at home, but they ask constantly about Korean school and when they get to go! Aaron and I love it as well but Korean is not an easy language to learn, so thank God we have a very patient teacher! Little Princess has always been obsessed with all things Korean and so we hope this co nines to foster that love in her! We need to get her on Skype with unni so they can talk in Korean and I can impress unni with my counting skills haha! Little Man is obsessed with learning his hangul letters and writing his Korean name in hangul!

I think that about catches us up or basically gets us there haha!

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This picture is an iPhone picture from when they went to vote with me and got to vote as well (they had special kids ballots obviously their votes were not counted)! I wanted to Remeber this as 4 years ago they were t heir when I voted as well!

Hello again!!

Hello! Sorry it has been so long, my blog was taken over by hackers and it took a few months to get it all straightened out. It is all good now!

I would love to start blogging again but I think that part of what is stopping me is not knowing who is reading what I share about Little Man and Little Princess’ lives. Like many bloggers I know I am going to go to password protected posts so I know who is reading.

I am happy to give the password out if you leave a comment here and I know you :) If I do not know you please leave a little bit about why you would like to follow our story! If you are not one for passwords, I will try to share a post or two a month of just photos and a small but about their lives!

Now for why you are really here:

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I Remember When

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(then)

It has been awhile. I know. But today I started thinking about writing again, today I looked at my two miracles and realized that this last year has been so big for us and I have so many I remember whens going through my head. Like:

I remember when I was up all night because Little Man insisted on sleeping right next to me or screaming, now while he loves to cuddle he will not fall asleep next to me any more (and he is no longer a momma’s boy either, it is all about Daddy).

I remember when the two of you would talk in your own little language and just laugh and giggle all day while no one could understand a word the two of you said! Now finally Daddy and I get to hear the amazing stories you have in your heads and the little inside jokes you have with each other! You may not always see us smiling but we love being observers to your world!

I remember not only Little Princess’ first year of gymnastics but the last year of dance and how every class I would ask did she do anything and every time I was told nope maybe next time. We prayed you would dance for your recital and for the first time ever you did and I cried, big happy tears. Today you went back to the gymnastics class you have been begging for and did most everything for your teacher, you even talked to her loud enough even i could hear your answers, something you are still working on with your preschool teacher.

I remember so much about your time with us. So many people have told me just wait you will want to go back. I am not sure I do, while I loved that time with each of you, I am loving more watching what you are becoming, the little man and little woman you will be someday.

I am trying to savor what each day brings instead of hope to go back or wish to move forward. I hope one day when we talk about what I remember I remember all the fun and laughter and never say I wish we could go back! And thank you both for the adventure we continue to be on! I love you more than life!

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